There's something completely freeing about swinging. I don't know the last time (besides tonight) that I've sat on a swing and actually worked up the momentum to get going. I don't think it helps that I usually get a little nauseous when I swing, but tonight my stomach did pretty well. I wonder what an onlooker would have thought when I started to smile at the apex of one of my swings. I don't know about you, but I usually try to control my facial expressions in public, because if I don't, I tend to start giggling about some memory or funny thought. Tonight, though, I was just enjoying the sensation of swinging through the nice evening air, looking out on the Willamette River, and listening to NeedtoBreathe, so I let go of my control and I smiled. I know that it's not such a weird thing to see me smile - it's more the circumstance that I smiled in. There was no reason except that I have a great God and I got to enjoy His presence.
I've been struggling lately with something that's been in my mind for a little bit. I know that at this time in my life, as I'm giving my heart to God, I'm vulnerable to Satan's little attacks. Yes, I have this epic new foundation with God, yes, He's hearing my prayers and answering them, yes, He's blessing me beyond belief - of course Satan will try to distract me away from this great relationship. He's using such a simple thing, such a gift from God (when He gives it in His own time, not when we try to take it in ours), to pull my aim from pleasing God to pleasing myself. Once this desire of mine comes in front of my desire to serve God, it becomes an obsession, and it takes over my prayer life, and it takes over my thoughts, and my dreams, and everything that has been built up by the Lord starts to tumble down. So. I need to give this desire to God and leave it with Him. I know that He can take it, and store it somewhere safe, nurture it and grow it, so that when He's ready to give me His gift, that desire will be mature and aimed at Him. I need to give up this hunger and accept the hunger to read His love letter to me, because I know for a fact that the hunger for His Word is one that will be satisfied, and not only can I be satisfied, but I can be completely full from it.
The verse that has been coming to the forefront of my mind these past few days is Psalm 37:3-4: "Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness, delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of you heart." I know that eventually this desire that I have will be realized, but I need to delight myself in Him every day first, without a single thought of what I will get out of it. It's not a game. It's not cause and effect. It's life and love and dying for Christ; being with Him, just sitting at His feet, that's enough of a blessing for me. That's the desire of my heart right now. He'll take care of everything else in His perfect timing, and I'll sit at His feet and wait on Him unreservedly in the meantime.
God bless :)
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